We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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