We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
