M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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