dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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