Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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