Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
