bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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