I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
