this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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