High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
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