I puked a lego.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
