the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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