i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
