i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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