dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
