nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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