Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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