how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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