I hate your face
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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