worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
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He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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