im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
