I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
