Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
