just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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