i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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