I only kidnapped one of them. chill
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
