does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Randomize
