so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
