just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
