I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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