mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
wow bdsm is so cute
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
