Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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