i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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