My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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