Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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