I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i love accidental penises.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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