I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
