That reminds me...we need to get swords
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
