its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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