You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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