I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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