I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
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Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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