Don't make out with my wife yet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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