no, he came in my armpit
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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