i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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