did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize