my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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