Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
