i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.