is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
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Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.