I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
