1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
