Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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