Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You have to summon your inner elephant
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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