The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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